This year at the AWC Annual Conference, we were incredibly pleased to host Mónica Guzmán of Braver Angels. Guzmán wrote the book I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times and is a thought leader on bridging divides. Here, we share some key messages she brought to members during her popular educational sessions.
Guzmán noted that elected leaders are put right in the thick of all kinds of situations and disagreements. She shared that while conflict and division can be productive, she wonders how healthy the conversations are. Often, we gain our signals from the loudest voices.
As a journalist, Guzmán’s deepest goal was to help people understand each other. But over the last 10 years, she found that the foundational brokenness had grown too deep. Guzmán noted that journalists have become some of the least trusted people in our society.
As the daughter of Mexican immigrants who became citizens in 2000, Guzmán shared that she and her brother were Democrats, while her parents were Republicans. Like for so many other families, 2016 turned up the temperature at home, and she acknowledges that “things got really tense.”
She went on to add, “It was easy to judge—for both me and for them.” But what worked to improve communication in her family was, instead of sharing WHY they believe what they believe, they began to talk about HOW they came to believe what they believe. After asking questions and becoming curious about her family, she realized that her father held his belief system because of his experiences growing up in Mexico.
Through examples from her own life, Guzmán began to realize that once you learn someone’s story, their position begins to add up. Disagreement is natural, because we have different values, but approaching that disagreement in curiosity makes a huge difference. Instead of going in with the goal of, “I will change your mind,” we need to ask whether we can allow our own thinking to expand and our own minds to be changed.
In her fireside chat with Guzmán, AWC’s CEO Deanna Dawson pointed out that we’re not always truly listening in conversations. Guzmán agreed, “Right—we all want to win, and that instinct to win means we never will.”
Creating “I never thought of it that way” moments
Guzmán went on to note that, the longer we listen poorly over time, the farther we move from away from trust. “You need to affirm a shared reality to build trust, but it takes trust to build a shared reality,” Guzmán reflects.
She reminds us that having more “I never thought about it that way” moments is how we can become more open to building that shared reality and trust. Sometimes that effort may result in aha moments, but more often it plants a subtler seed.
We lose nuance when people within viewpoints don’t speak up, but by being open and curious we’re more likely to be exposed to different viewpoints. Without that curiosity, people can be vulnerable to all kinds of pernicious political assumptions—such as the idea that if you oppose what I support politically, then you must hate what I love. When we feel too certain about our own beliefs, we answer our own questions, however falsely. We can stay true to our ambitions and ideals, and still be open to curious moments.
Ways to approach difficult conversations and the feelings they bring up:
- Be curious before you get furious. In the moment just stop—pause.
- Ask yourself, “What am I missing?” Remember that humility is about seeing yourself accurately from a distance. We are all wrong about something, but we don’t know what it is, so we have to be willing to test our own assumptions. We can jump straight to snap judgments about people, even with little information.
- Assume good intentions. This creates a really different path. The thing about certainty is that it kills curiosity. In all those cases where there is something to learn, you’re missing it.
- Welcome conversations with people who disagree with you. Getting to know people who have different ideas inoculates you against making hasty (and often false) assumptions.
Guzmán stressed that whoever is underrepresented in your life, will be overrepresented in your imagination—and none of us are immune to that. Conversation is an amazing opportunity to build bridges that we don’t always stop to appreciate. But trust doesn’t happen at scale! It happens in one-on-one conversations. One way to look at the role of city officials is that they help heal our divides.
The local level is very powerful for building trust. The national issues tend to distract us from what’s happening right here and right now, but Guzmán asserts that local officials can change the game, building trust from the ground up.
Guzmán recommends spending time with one another. The more time we spend together, the fewer stereotypes seem to apply. We can talk about other things to build resiliencies against assumptions. “Heat in conversation is good—but are you cooking something, or are you burning something?”
What do you do when the disagreements feel really personal?
For each of us, there are going to be times in that moment, with that person, on that issue, where it’s just not the right time and place to explore. But never is a long time, and there may be a better time to revisit a conversation, even if it’s only sharing that you see a sticky issue differently.
Ways to keep moving forward when you hit a roadblock in difficult conversations:
- Think of anger as data. When you or someone else gets fired up, what information is that telling you?
- Tell me more about that. One of the most powerful things you can say is, “I didn’t know that mattered so much to you, can you tell me more about that?”
- Acknowledge your feelings. “I’m feeling a bit angry/upset – but I’m going to try and explain.”
- You’re just visiting. Remember that when you’re listening to someone’s perspective, you’re just paying a visit. You can say, “I’m really glad we talked about this, and it’s really interesting, but I think I need to take a break.” Take a step back.
- Connect offline. If you’re online or over text and you notice someone getting upset, pick up the phone or plan to discuss in person.
- Find common ground. Compromise is negotiation, but that’s often not acceptable for people. When people hear the word compromise, they might hear “I’m losing something or giving something up”—and they associate the viewpoint with themselves, thinking “I can’t give myself up.” Instead, it can be about finding common ground.
- Don’t waste your fear on anything but danger. The more we fear each other, the less we work together.
- Use hedging language. “What I think about this right now is…” When you speak this way, others are more likely to use this language too, and that makes the whole conversation more flexible.
Guzmán makes the case that we can model and encourage curiosity in others. While we can’t control other people, we can build trust together over time by remembering that people can only hear when they’re heard. If we want someone to be more open-minded, we should sit with them and ask them to talk about their perspective—let them air their worries. Remember to be curious as you gather knowledge.
Overall, Guzmán stressed that she is optimistic about overcoming these strong divides. “There are a lot of great people working on this. Awareness is huge, so stay interested.”